me bitching (not recommended read, i just needed an outlet) why am i so stressed out lately? my life seems to have taken extremeties in all of its aspects. there are points where i feel truly happy and blessed, moments when i feel like i cannot contain my joy, that i am the luckiest person in the world, and there there are moments when i feel extremely depressed and hopeless. my future is so freaking uncertain, it stresses me out. i cant take it. i want to talk abt it with ppl, and i do talk to a couple of ppl abt it, but i dont think anyone understands my exact situation. i seek counselling from friends, i talk to them as much as i can, but my mind is wierd, there are so many things going on at the same time in my mind, and i can never explain all of them. i only succeed in painting half the picture, and people reprimand me for being too paranoid and for being a worrywart. the only person i can talk to is autumn, but she is so far away right now, and these are things i need to talk to her about face to face. no one seems to be understanding how much pressure im in, and its kinda pushing me into a mini depression, although im fighting it.  ¶ 10:43 AM 11 comments

  another post so..im halfway through my stay in bangladesh, and it has been interesting if nothing else. true, i complain abt boredom and everything but for me, boredom inevitably leads to self reflection and self evaluation, something that i wouldnt have done otherwise. im always too caught up in things to actually sit down and thnk about what im doing, where im going with life. then again, theres something called too much thinking, and i feel like ive reached that point..i feel like just getting up and doing something.

im coming back to portland on july 12th. im not sure abt it , but i think autumn and rob are picking me up at the airport. i dont actually know whos giving me the ride, but autumns taken the responsibility of figuring that bit out. then im moving in with autumn and brie for the rest of summer. altho i have been told that moving in with your girlfriend is a big deal, i dont think its going to be that complicated. autumn and i both want to do this, and we think its going to be really fun. also, its not like its just me and autumn, im also living with brie, so its not what people think it is. im really looking forward to spending time with autumn again, but im also excited abt being with brie, jon, nik, hassan and all. and then theres the small matter of actually finding a job on campus once i get there. that should be reaaaally fun.

so, each and every summer that i do come back i become startled at how much people tend to change. i know its a two way thing, im changing as much as the others are, but it still catches me off guard each and every time. i find that with some friends, all we can do is be nostalgic and talk abt the past, as if were desperate to hold onto some bond which is gone now. the only way we can connect is what we had before, not what we have now. its a bit of a shame, really..

a whole bunch of movies are coming out this summer, and im really psyched about that. theres episode 3, which im dying to watch on the big screen, and batman begins, which im dying to watch, period. ill see if i can convince enough ppl to put off watching batman until i come back so that we can all watch em together..

the only ppl from portland who im in regular contact with are autumn, brie, jon, hassan and brendon. charles is a lost cause, his life is pretty much consumed by world of warcraft, so i havent even talked to him online once so far. i heard hes moved in on campus, which means that we might actually get to hang out over summer..

in my mind now, i have come to accept tht im an adult now, and that its abt time i start thinking like one. its not like i have brought abt major changes in my personality coz of that .. its more like subtle small changes in who i am has convinced me of ths change. previously i always used to look at family for support, but now i have to draw out tht support from inside me. i know theyre still gonna be there for me, but i dont want to have to rely on them anymore. thats another reason why im coming back early, to see if i can deal with everyday life without the school or my family dictating me. and to be perfectly honest, i think im ready.

well, thats about all i have to say for now. but this really helped me a lot, helped me put into words what ive been thinking for a while. maybe i should do this more often.  ¶ 1:21 AM 0 comments

  Back into the world of blogging! Wow... this feels wierd after a hiatus of abt 6 months or so...anyways....semester was awesome...looking forward to next semester too...no offense to any of my past roommates...but i cant wait to have my own room.
This past semester went by a bit too past for my liking. Dont know why. But i kinda wish i had more time to spend with people who i know and love, Autumn, Brendon, Charles, Brie. But next semester should kick ass...apart from that little matter of thesis.
So, where do I go from here? Well, for starters, Im gonna be spending a fuckload of time with Diya, Diti, Sabrina, Sadaat and Ziyan (and Naweed when he turn up!) in Dhaka. Should be cool! Theres always my job, where I will earn money! (Mental note : Dont blow it off in one night ). Thatll go on for a couple of months, until early August, when Ill be back inPortland living with Autumn and Brie.
Its wierd, realizing that I wont see people like Andy and Stephan ever again. Despite being a dick, Andy was a fun person to hang out with, and we became pretty good friends over time.
My contact number back home is gonna be 880-2-8621922. Ill have a cell phone too, and Ill let you all know that number soon enough.  ¶ 8:44 PM 3 comments

  Reality TV So I found out last night that Charles is taking the semester off and he wont be gracing us with his presence this semester...while this is crappy news to begin with...it has greater ramifications for me personally....it means that I have to go and find me a new roomie....I just dont feel like rooming with someone who is a total random stranger...so at the moment, my list includes (but is not limited to) Brendon, Jason K. , and Alex...
Brendon suggested that maybe we should have a reality TV series based off of that where I present the contestents with a rose every week and an unlucky contestent gets to go back home every week at the end of each show...it sounds promising...as it will have its fair share of drama, intrigue, romance and gaming...now all I need is a name for said show...and we can totally have Charles make a guest appearance in one show as a special guest...that should make things real interesting...
i dont know...i was kinda counting on rooming with charles for the whole semester...and itll be wierd not having him around...
but I digress...
so Im coming back on Monday the 17th at noon...trouble is, Art is supposed to pick me up...but I havent heard from him yet...so if someone could call him up on Sunday and nag him into calling me up i would really appreciate that...otherwise im gonna have to think of some other way to get to school...suck...

  ¶ 2:35 PM 1 comments

  (insert title here) So I got one more week to go through before I'm back to school...I dont know about the others, but I'm really looking forward to starting off the new semester...and this time I'm gonna do everything in my power to pump up my GPA...
So I realized that I havent told anyone about what happened on New Year's eve...on that night...I got to go to this show that they were having at Wilshire Blvd...they closed off four streets and an intersection...they tried to do something as cool as the New York Time Square routine...but it obviously dint quite work...nonetheless...we had a pretty good time...apart from the occasional drunk people...honestly seeing them in action has strengthened my resolve to drastically reduce my alcohol consumption....nonetheless...there was a performance by the Killers (which was absolutely top notch)....and there were a whole bunch of djs doing their thing...i havent clubbed in a long ass time...so i kinda felt out of place...but everyone else was having a blast...and that carried me through....
it was really interesting...we dint feel tired or anything at all while we were there...but once we realized that we have been up on our feet moving and dancing for six hours...fatigue just decided to step in...
all in all, it was just a kickass experience...im gonna be staying back in portland next winter...so i think im gonna keep an eye out for something like this over here as well..
i dont know why...but i got a whole lot of e mails from my friends back home...coz they dont know who im feeling alienated from (they prolly read my previous posts...thats the only possible explanation i have)...and im gonna have to spend a whole lot of time answering them back...and apparantly theres even more drama unfolding back home...and a lot of it has to do with me...*sigh*...sometimes things like these suck monkeyballs...
ive been thinking abt wht im gonna do after graduation and where im gonna move to...and altho i really really really want to go back to bangladesh someday...i dont feel that the time is right yet...meanwhile i might just move to cali, or stay in oregon...or hell, just move back with all my friends in canada...something im debating over...
  ¶ 2:49 PM 2 comments

  quick gaming update.... ratchet and clank: up your arsenal is such a great game...its got one of the best multiplayer deathmatch games i have ever seen!!
im also busy dealing with fight night 2004, champions of norrath, espn nba 2k5, socom navy seals, xenosaga, and gta san andreas!!
so many games...so little time!!
  ¶ 3:15 PM 3 comments

  Random thoughts.. So its been a while since I last posted on this site. I wonder if anyone bothers to check this anymore...whatever...

I talk about the major issues in my life with people I know and love anyways..so theres not much to talk about there...instead, I suppose I am going to talk about some of the more minor issues that are keeping me occupied.

The most important issue to me right now is my friends back home. God knows I love each and every one of them, but at the same time, I feel like I am becoming so much more different than them. I seem to get along so much better with my friends in college now, and while it is a wonderful feeling in itself, the fact that I cant connect with my old friends anymore bugs me to no end. It's something I really want to remedy, but I'm kinda afraid to do so as well. I left home at the end of summer amid a lot of drama and tension, and it is something I am not looking forward to confront when I do go back. I feel like there are only a handful of people left back home who I can truly connect with, and that makes me feel horribly lonely from time to time.

Then there's my own life. It is at its most unstable right now. I pushed off thinking about the future until now, but I cant do that any longer. Ill have to apply to graduate school very soon, and that is going to be the key decision in my life. There are so many factors involved. I want to stay back in the northwest because that has simply become my home away from home. Leaving home once was hard enough for me, Im not sure if Im strong enough to do it again. Thankfully there are some things in my life that I can hold on to, and it is these givens that are keeping me sane.

There are good things happening in my life too. After previous relationship fiascos, I finally seem to be in one which I can count on at least for the time being. No one knows what the future holds, but it seems to be going great for now. Thats something that keeps me going right now, and it couldnt have happened at a better time for me.

Going back to the topic of friends, it almost feels like I am evolving too fast as an individual for my own liking. Just last spring semester, I would have identified myself as a gamer, as I was involved in so many gaming activities. This semester however, I was only casually involved in gaming, the only gaming I did was video games. I dont know, maybe its not that big of a deal, but it almost feels like Im drifting again, and thats the last place I want to be at.

Now, on a more positive note, here are the things I am looking forward to next year.

• I am excited about friends, old and new. I dont know about the others, but I feel that I have reached a point when my friends understand me better than anyone else, and whenever I am in trouble, I will count on them to bail me out, and I expect them to count on me when they need help too. Its something wonderful, being able to be with your friends from when you wake up until you go to sleep, and I hope that no one takes this for granted.
• I am excited about rooming with Charles for six more months at the very least. After mixed fortunes with my previous roommates, I finally have one who is just like me in the random gaming sense. Its like, out of nowhere, one of us will decide to play multiplayer or co-op halo or something at some god awful hour, and the other one will be willing to jump in too. Its a good feeling, having a friend who is willing to humor you this much, and I look forward to the day when Ill actually start kicking some ass in Halo multiplayer or something.
• I am excited about my other friends. I know Brendons been a bit preoccupied this last semester, but Im still looking forward to hanging out with him as much as possible. Same goes to my fellow berserker Nik and Hassan. Brie and Jon are always fun whenever they are around. I think that Ill finally start visiting Cory and Andy with some regularity. God knows that theyve been bitching all semester abt me not dropping by.
• I am looking forward to jump starting the video gaming aspect of the gaming society. Brendon and I were both slacking off last semester, but we've decided to make up for that this semester.
• I am excited about my own academic career prospects. Now that Im about to be done with all the tough classes, I am going to start taking easy classes that last three semesters just to pump up my GPA. Hopefully thatll take me to a good graduate program. I realize that my GPA is not as good as it could be, but at the same time, I have faith in what I can do, and I know that if I work hard enough, I will be able to pull it off.
• I am happy about the relationship I am in right now. It is like an anchor for me, and it is something that I can take to be a constant at least for the short run. Autumn and I seem to have this understanding of each other, and its a great feeling to be in that situation. Right now Im in LA and Im missing her a lot, but Im also psyched about going back to campus and spending more time with her.
• I am excited about having my own life and existance. All my life, I was known as the son of my parents, and I tried to carve out my own existance from where I was. It is not somethng that they necessarily understood, but I am grateful to them for bearing with me nonetheless. I feel that although I have spent a lot of time with my friends, I have also spent a lot of time with myself over the past few years during which I have learned more about myself. Some aspects of myself I am proud of, and then there are some which require work. I realize that I am not a finished product by any means, but I also feel like I am getting somewhere. And it is something I am excited about.

I guess what is key to me right now is the voyage Im about to embark on. It is something that scares me, yes, Ill admit that much, but I also feel that at the end of the day, when my time is up, I will be able to look back at my life, realize that I have had more happy days than sad ones, and move on without any regrets.

  ¶ 3:40 PM 7 comments